Yahoo! With the Cullens
by HollyJane
Summary: What happens when six crazy vampires get Yahoo! messenger? Rated T just incase.
1. Undies, Guinee Pigs, and Rape

**Note:** I was very bored one day, and this is what you get. I don't know if I'm going to continue it. I might, if I get a lot of reviews saying people like it. So if you like it tell me because I don't know if I want to continue. Love you all! :) Also, real quickly, they are very out of character. Just warning ya! :D

**Disclaimer:** I only came up with the screen names. Sadly, the characters are not mine.

By Holly Jane

* * *

WalkingHazard- Bella, VolvoOwner1901- Edward, ShoppaholicGrl- Alice, MuscleMan1935- Emmett, SouthConfederate- Jasper, RosesAreRed- Rosalie, WolfBoy87- Jake

**-Yahoo! With the Cullens-**

**Undies, Guinee Pigs, and Rape** (Episode 1)

ShoppaholicGrl: HEYY!

SouthConfederate: Tell me again why you made us make Yahoo accounts, Alice?

MuscleMan1935: Fo shizzzes

ShoppaholicGrl: Because they're fun!

WalkingHazard: You call this fun? -.- Humph.

RosesAreRed: This is dumb, we could be shopping Alice.

VolvoOwner1901: There is always Online Shopping.

ShoppaholicGrl: OMG, EDWARD!! You are so right!

SouthConfederate: Omg?

WalkingHazard: That means Oh my God.

SouthConfederate: Oh.

MuscleMan1935: LETS HARASS PEOPLE ONLINE!

WalkingHazard: Online harassment, Emmett...

MuscleMan1935: Whatevvvver

VolvoOwner1901: This is stupid.

ShoppaholicGrl: You're stupid

RosesAreRed: OMG! Sale at Victoria's Secret!!

ShoppaholicGrl: YAY!!

WalkingHazard: wtf.

MuscleMan1935: Hmm...

RosesAreRed: Whatcha thinkin' honey?

VolvoOwner1901: EMMETT, PLEASE! Do you mind!! Keep your thoughts to yourself!!

MuscleMan1935: Sorry.

RosesAreRed: ;)

SouthConfederate: I'm laughing at Emmett.

WalkingHazard: Lol?

SouthConfederate: What's that?

WalkingHazard: Laughing out loud. Are you lol'ing, Jasper?

SouthConfederate. Yes. Lol.

ShoppaholicGrl: Me too. Lol!

RosesAreRed: LOL!

WalkingHazard: Lol

VolvoOwner1901: Lol haha..

MuscleMan1935: What did I miss? Why are we lol'ing?

VolvoOwner1901: Dick head...

MuscleMan1935: At least I use my dick.

RosesAreRed: EMMETT!

WalkingHazard: LOL!!

VolvoOwner1901:

WalkingHazard: He has a point...

VolvoOwner1901: BELLA!

WalkingHazard: EDWARD!

VolvoOwner1901: \

WalkingHazard: \

ShoppaholicGrl: Don't be sad, Edward. BE _happy_...

WalkingHazard: OMG!! LOL

SouthConfederate: Be happy for Bella, Eddie.

VolvoOwner1901: URRRGGHH!! Goodbye.

WalkingHazard: No, Edward! Wait!

VolvoOwner1901: WHAT!?

WalkingHazard: Guys?

MuscleMan1935: ...

RosesAreRed: Emmett?

MuscleMan1935: I'm sorry for sexually harassing you over the internet, Eddie.

VolvoOwner1901: \ Don't call me that.

MuscleMan1935: Okay, Eddie.

VolvoOwner1901: I hate you.

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

WalkingHazard: Emmett! Look what you did.

ShoppaholicGrl: OMG PURPLE UNDIES!

SouthConfederate: Mmmm...

ShoppaholicGrl: ;)

MuscleMan1935: Ok, ew...

WalkingHazard: Agreed

RosesAreRed: Edward is a baby

WalkingHazard: Scew you, Rosalie.

MuscleMan1935: I'd happily scew her

RosesAreRed: EMMETT CULLEN!

WalkingHazard: ...

SouthConfederate: Insert gag here.

RosesAreRed: HEY!

SouthConfederate: Sorry, Rose.

MuscleMan1935: So, Rose...

RosesAreRed: No.

MuscleMan1935: :(

ShoppaholicGrl: How 'bout blue undies?

WalkingHazard: Put the Victoria Secret catologue away, Alice.

SouthConfederate: How about green undies?

MuscleMan1935: PLEASE! I don't want to know the color of my sisters underwear.

WalkingHazard: lol

RosesAreRed: How about mine?

MuscleMan1935: Hell yes. Sexy zebra printed bra...or polkadots!

SouthConfederate: EW

ShoppaholicGrl: What about me in a zebra printed bra, Jazzie?

SouthConfederate: Hmmm... I like it. ;)

RosesAreRed: Gross

_**VolvoOwner1901 has sign on**_

MuscleMan1935: Eddie, my main man! You're back!

VolvoOwner1901: Not if you keep calling me Eddie. That name repulses me.

ShoppaholicGrl: But its your name...

VolvoOwner1901: No, its not. Its a disgusting nickname that I don't approve of.

WalkingHazard: -rolls eyes-

SouthConfederate: Or better, leapord printed undies.

VolvoOwner1901: What the hell? What have I missed out on?

WalkingHazard: We're discussing what type of bras and underwears would look good on Alice and Rosalie.

MuscleMan1935: What about you Bella?

WalkingHazard: Please no.

RosesAreRed: You better not be picturing Bella in bra and underwear, Emmett!!

MuscleMan1935: I'm NOT!!

VolvoOwner1901: I am...

WalkingHazard: LOL! ;)

RosesAreRed: You're not a vampire!

ShoppaholicGrl: Although I'm sure if we went to a laungeray place they'd be selling costumes like that...

WalkingHazard: NO FREAKING WAY!

ShoppaholicGrl: Just a suggestion.

MuscleMan1935: We know who'd like it...

VolvoOwner1901: I would like it. A lot.

WalkingHazard: Don't I feel special?

SouthConfederate: Alice in a tutu...

RosesAreRed: Uhhhh...

ShoppaholicGrl: Never gonna happen, my friend.

MuscleMan1935: Rosalie in a tutu? Thats hot.

RosesAreRed: I feel degraded

VolvoOwner1901: Bella in a tutu...

WalkingHazard: Don't even.

VolvoOwner1901: Humph.

SouthConfederate: Alice in a maid costume.

VolvoOwner1901: Thats my sister, there, buddy!

SouthConfederate: Um, Bella's my sister and that doesn't stop you from picturing her in..ugh. Gross.

WalkingHazard: HEY!

MuscleMan1935: I still say polka-dots are the sexiest

VolvoOwner1901: You would. Though, Bella in polka-dots? Hmmm...

SouthConfederate: Uh..

ShoppaholicGrl: Oh, Bella, lets go get some polka-dotted undies for Eddie to enjoy.

WalkingHazard: I'd rather...not.

RosesAreRed: What about Emmett in a leapord print thong?

MuscleMan1935: Now I'm the one that feels degraded.

WalkingHazard: Edward in a pink thong with sparkles...thats sexy

VolvoOwner1901: Keep dreaming, love.

WalkingHazard: :(

SouthConfederate: I'm getting nausiated..

ShoppaholicGrl: NEW SUBJECT!

MuscleMan1935: ...

VolvoOwner1901: ...

WalkingHazard: -whistles show-tunes- ...

RosesAreRed: ...

SouthConfederate: Edward in a strip-tease costume with fish-net leggings and a whip?

WalkingHazard: ...no comment.

ShoppaholicGrl: I think I threw up a little.

RosesAreRed: Wow.

MuscleMan1935: What the fuck, dude?

VolvoOwner1901: Are you gay?

SouthConfederate: I got...caught up in the moment.

WalkingHazard: Edward's been a bad boy..

ShoppaholicGrl: whoa, there, girly!! Not here!

VolvoOwner1901: ;)

WolfBoy87: I hate you, Edward Cullen.

WalkingHazard: Where did you come from?

ShoppaholicGrl: WOLF!! EVERYONE ATTACK!!

SouthConfederate: He's in La Push, honey.

ShoppaholicGrl: Oh.

RosesAreRed: I thought I smelt a dog...

WalkingHazard: Oh, so you finally smelt yourself?

VolvoOwner1901: LOL!

ShoppaholicGrl: Lol!

RosesAreRed: :

MuscleMan1935: lol..

RosesAreRed: Emmett!

MuscleMan1935: Sorry, honey...I wuvs you.

RosesAreRed: I love you too, sweetie.

MuscleMan1935: Can we get a puppy?

RosesAreRed: No, honey.

MuscleMan1935: damnit.

ShoppaholicGrl: You know what happened to the last doggy you got...

SouthConfederate: HEY! I said I was sorry, okay?!

WalkingHazard: What the hell, Emmett? You got a puppy?

MuscleMan1935: And a bunny. And a wabbit. And a guinee pig.

SouthConfederate: Again, sorry about that...

VolvoOwner1901: Well, the guinee pig wasn't entirely all Jaspers fault...

WalkingHazard: ?!

MuscleMan1935: SHAME ON YOU, EDWARD ANTHONY!!

ShoppaholicGrl: You blamed Jasper? How dare yee!

SouthConfederate: Yeah, Edward! How dare yee!

VolvoOwner1901: Hey! I said it wasn't ALL his fault.

WalkingHazard: Explain yourself.

SouthConfederate: Please do.

VolvoOwner1901: Well, I kinda stepped on it when I was coming down the steps...

SouthConfederate: And then I smelt the blood...

VolvoOwner1901: And then I ran away while he drank and Jasper took the blame.

MuscleMan1935: YOU KILLED WAFFLES!!

RosesAreRed: Its okay, sweety.

MuscleMan1935: WAFFLES WILL BE AVENGED!!

MuscleMan1935: Avenged.

ShoppaholicGrl: Aw, poor Waffles. He never had a chance.

WalkingHazard: Its just a guinee pig, guys...

MuscleMan1935: JUST A GUINEE PIG?! HOW COULD YOU BELLA MARIE?!

RosesAreRed: Calm down, babe

MuscleMan1935: DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! WAFFLES IS DEAD AND YOU DONT CARE?!

VolvoOwner1901: Dude, you're kidding me right?

SouthConfederate: Its an animal!

ShoppaholicGrl: I'm scared.

MuscleMan1935: AND WHAT ABOUT TOASTER ANG POPTART? DID YOU CRUSH THEM TOO, EDWARD?!

VolvoOwner1901: N-no...

MuscleMan1935: OH SURE! THATS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO THINK!!

WalkingHazard: -blink. ... blink. blink.-

MuscleMan1935: EDWARD YOU WILL PAY FOR WAFFLESSSS!!

SouthConfederate: So I'm off the hook? Sweet.

MuscleMan1935: YOU ARE FAR FROM OFF THE HOOK, MISTER!!

RosesAreRed: EMMETT CULLEN! If you don't calm down you will have your head up your ass in the next twenty seconds!!

MuscleMan1935: S-sorry..

RosesAreRed: Thats better.

SouthConfederate: Now what?

VolvoOwner1901: wow. I didn't know that Waffles meant so much to you, Emmett

MuscleMan1935: I'll kill you, Edward

WalkingHazard: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!! HELP ME!!

VolvoOwner1901: BELLA?!

WalkingHazard: ;hdkwjhtpiweruht

RosesAreRed: What the fuck? Bella?

ShoppaholicGrl: BELLA! Who is it??

SouthConfederate: Holy shit!

VolvoOwner1901: We have to help her!!

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

_**MuscleMan1935 has signed out**_

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_

_**SouthConfederate has signed out**_

_**RosesAreRed has signed out**_

WalkingHazard: Oops. I was just kidding...

_**WalkingHazard has signed out**_


	2. Emo Jasper and Bella's Epiphany

MuscleMan1935: Dora, Dora, Dora, the explorer!

VolvoOwner1901: Emmett...?

WalkingHazard: Interesting song choice, Emmett.

MuscleMan1935: Why, thank you, Bella!

WalkingHazard: That wasn't meant as a compliment.

MuscleMan1935: Well you said interesting song choice...

WalkingHazard: Ever heard of sarcasm?

VolvoOwner1901: Emmett, c'mon. This is childish.

MuscleMan1935: Oh, I'm sorry, Bella, did you hear something?

WalkingHazard: Actually, no I didn't.

VolvoOwner1901: Bella!

MuscleMan1935: Did you hear that?

WalkingHazard: -shakes head-

VolvoOwner1901: Bella, I'm your husband.

WalkingHazard: LE GASP

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed on**_

VolvoOwner1901: o.O

ShoppaholicGrl: Hey, hey, hey, party peeps!

MuscleMan1935: Ah, why hello there my pixie friend!

ShoppaholicGrl: WHAT did you just call ME?!

WalkingHazard: oOoooOOOoohhh -covers mouth with one hand-

VolvoOwner1901: lol...

MuscleMan1935: erm...

ShoppaholicGrl: don't make me busta cap on yo ass, Emmett McCarty!!

MuscleMan1935: LIKE. YOU. COULD.

WalkingHazard: GASP!

VolvoOwner1901: -gulp-

WalkingHazard: Duck and cover, DUCK AND COVER!

_**SouthConfederate has signed on**_

SouthConfederate: I heard gasps, I heard gasps!

MuscleMan1935: Get out of here you emo

SouthConfederate: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!!

MuscleMan1935: EMO! Got a problem with it, emo boy?!

SouthConfederate: -gets all mad and then shoulders slump in defeat- I guess not.

MuscleMan1935: YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.

ShoppaholicGrl: Don't you raise your voice at my husband!

WalkingHazard: Technically, he isn't USING his voice...

MuscleMan1935: Shutup, Bella.

ShoppaholicGrl: Shutup, Bella.

VolvoOwner1901: You pegged it.

SouthConfederate: Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go cut.

MuscleMan1935: EMO!

WalkingHazard: Vampires can't cut!

SouthConfederate: Since when are you captain of what I can and cannot do?

WalkingHazard: Since you became a vampire!

VolvoOwner19901: yeah but he's older than me.

WalkingHazard: Shutup, oldman.

VolvoOwner1901: HURRUMPH!

_**DrCarlisleCullen has signed on**_

DrCarlisleCullen: How are you, children?

MuscleMan1935: your mom.

DrCarlisleCullen: Excuse me? I don't understand.

ShoppaholicGrl: Yeah, EXCUUUUUUSEEEE him!

WalkingHazard: he's excused.

VolvoOwner1901: ooohhh harsh.

MuscleMan1935: you stay out of this, pretty boy.

WalkingHazard: Don't you talk to my Eddykins like that!

ShoppaholicGrl: He isn't talking. He's typing.

WalkingHazard: -rolls eyes- Technicality.

VolvoOwner1901: Wait. Eddykins?!

_**SuperMom has signed on**_

ShoppaholicGrl: Mom!

MuscleMan1935: MUMMY!!

VolvoOwner1901: Hey, Mom.

WalkingHazard: hey Mom!

SuperMom: Hello, children! :)

DrCarlisleCullen: Nobody greeted me this way... :(

ShoppaholicGrl: Does your screen name say SuperDad?

WalkingHazard: I THINK NOT.

SuperMom: They got you there, sweetie.

DrCarlisleCullen: But yes this is my hospital e-mail so it has to be professional.

MuscleMan1935: SuperDad IS prefossional!

WalkingHazard: What do you think makes it super, duh?

VolvoOwner1901: True dat.

ShoppaholicGrl: Hey where'd Jazzie go?

WalkingHazard: JAZZ HANDS, JAZZ HANDS!! SPIRIT FINGERS!!

MuscleMan1935: Lol, Jaser is the Jazz hands...Alice is the spirit fingers.

VolvoOwner1901: ahahahaha!! gold.

WalkingHazard: It ain't that funny, you hoe

VolvoOwner1901: WELL!

ShoppaholicGrl: we see who wears the pants in that relationship.

DrCarlisleCullen: Speaking of pants I have to go to, my paiger is beeping.

VolvoOwner1901: Oh yeah cause that makes sense. -rolls eyes-

SuperMom: Alright, bye honey!

WalkingHazard: see ya, not so super dad.

MuscleMan1935: Bye dude, make sure to save some pants' lives

ShoppaholicGrl: okay, seriously, where's Jasper?!

DrCarlisleCullen: Bye children

_**DrCarlisleCullen has signed out**_

MuscleMan1935: -folds hands in lap and smiles- Maybe he went to cut himself.

ShoppaholicGrl: -.-

SuperMom: What do you mean? Cut?

VolvoOwner1901: Uh...nothing Mom

WalkingHazard: Oh, you see, Esme, when we say "cut" we mean "bag"

SuperMom: I still don't get it...

VolvoOwner1901: o.O where you goin' with this, Bella?

MuscleMan1935: ROFL "bag"

WalkingHazard: Well, Mom, "bag" means finding something to say mean about yourself.

ShoppaholicGrl: for instance...Emmett's hair is in some serious need of washing. See? I "bagged" Emmett.

MuscleMan1935: HEY!!

SuperMom: oohhh I get it. And yes Emmett, perhaps you could use a shower.

VolvoOwner1901: LOL

MuscleMan1935: MOM!!

SuperMom: I'm sorry, honey.

MuscleMan1935: -pouts- Its fine...

SouthConfederate: Oh sorry hey what did I miss?

SuperMom: What exactly are you bagging yourself about, mister?

SouthConfederate: Mom?!

WalkingHazard: Whoa! Epiphany!!

VolvoOwner1901: What is it?

WalkingHazard: First...Mom, could you go bake us some cookies?

SuperMom: SURE!

_**SuperMom has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: spill it.

MuscleMan1935: WAIT

VolvoOwner1901: -.- what?!

MuscleMan1935: whats an epiphany?

VolvoOwner1901: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something.

ShoppaholicGrl: lol

MuscleMan1935: Eh...what?

VolvoOwner1901: oh forget it, Bella?

WalkingHazard: Yeah...

WalkingHazard: ANYWAYS okay what if those AREN'T battle scars? HUH!?

ShoppaholicGrl: What?

SouthConfederate: What?!

MuscleMan1935: I don't...get it.

VolvoOwner1901: -rolls eyes- You wouldn't.

MuscleMan1935: You wanna go, pretty boy?

SouthConfederate: OH SHUT UP

ShoppaholicGrl: lol

WalkingHazard: You lied to us, Jazzper!

SouthConfederate: -eyes shift nervously around the room- w-what are you talking about?!

VolvoOwner1901: OMFG

ShoppaholicGrl: JASPER! HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME?!

SouthConfederate: I didn't! I swear, I didn't

MuscleMan1935: Could someone explain to me...?

VolvoOwner1901: -shakes head- Jasper cuts himself. Those are the scars.

SouthConfederate: It's not my fault, okay!? I'm not the one who created me! Stephenie did, okay!?

WalkingHazard: tsk, tsk, tsk. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. She's not the one who told you to cut yourself.

ShoppaholicGrl: I'm ashamed.

SouthConfederate: No! I'm sorry!

VolvoOwner1901: You're a disgrace, Jasper Whitlock Hale.

SouthConfederate: NO!!

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_

SouthConfederate: No, Ali I'm sorry!

MuscleMan1935: Dude, get a grip.

_**MuscleMan1935 has signed out**_

SouthConfederate: No, Emmett! Not you too!

VolvoOwner1901: Damn.

WalkingHazard: C'mon, Edward. Lets go.

_**WalkingHazard has signed out**_

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

SouthConfederate: NOO!! I'm alone! ALONE, ALONE!

SouthConfederate: I need a cutting buddy. -sniffles-

SouthConfederate: Oh well now I can be all alone in my misery.

SouthConfederate: WHY!?

_**SouthConfederate has signed out**_

-cricket...cricket cricket-

_**SuperMom has signed on**_

SuperMom: Cookies are ready!

SuperMom: Hello?

SuperMom: I said!! Cookies are ready!

SuperMom: o.O well...crummy butters.

_**SuperMom has signed out**_

* * *

**Lol, feel free to review. A lot of my stores have well over 500 hits but only 3 or 4 reviews. -.- C'mon, people! Tell me what you think :)**


	3. Crunk Bob

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, sadly.**

**_A/N: _Before I forget, my lovely readers, I take no credit for the screen name "VolvoOwner1901". I was typing my first chapter one day and thought of it, but I didn't realize that I thought of it because it's on Edward's Myspace. So, sorry about that. I'm disappointed as well. One day I was all, "oh crippy crap," and I looked on his Myspace and sure enough, was there and all...I'm ashamed of myself. **

RosesAreRed: Hey

ShoppaholicGrl: Hey yourself, blondie!

RosesAreRed: Alice?

ShoppaholicGrl: no this is Bob

VolvoOwner1901: hey Bob. Long time no chat.

MuscleMan1935: Bob! My main man!

VolvoOwner1935: I thought I was your main man?

MuscleMan1935: pssh not since you killed Waffles.

VolvoOwner1901: Fair enough.

RosesAreRed: I'm still confused. Who's Bob?

ShoppaholicGrl: that would be me.

MuscleMan1935: wow, Rosalie. And you think I'M dumm.

VolvoOwner1901: -rolls eyes- idiot.

MuscleMan1935: I know, right?

RosesAreRed: Edward?

VolvoOwner1901: Yeah, I know he's an idiot.

_**WalkingHazard has signed on**_

VolvoOwner1901: Welcome to the chat my love.

WalkingHazard: Don't talk to me in that tone.

VolvoOwner1901: What?

WalkingHazard: Don't what me, you know what.

VolvoOwner1901: No seriously, what?

MuscleMan1935: What?

RosesAreRed: Wait--what?

ShoppaholicGrl: OKAY SHUDAAAP

RosesAreRed: ...

VolvoOwner1901: Bob is right.

WalkingHazard: Who's Bob?

ShoppaholicGrl: that would be me.

WalkingHazard: What?

RosesAreRed: not this again...

MuscleMan1935: Bob is my main man!

WalkingHazard: Who's Bob and what has he done with Alice?

ShoppaholicGrl: I don't what what you're talking about

RosesAreRed: I have an idea

MuscleMan1935: NO

RosesAreRed: oh yes

VolvoOwner1901: shit

WalkingHazard: proceed, Rosalie

RosesAreRed: I have this book...

ShoppaholicGrl: Book?!

RosesAreRed: mmhmm

VolvoOwner1901: I have that CD haha "mmhmm" by Relient K

WalkingHazard: So, Rose, whats this really THICK book about?

ShoppaholicGrl: THICK BOOK?!

RosesAreRed: Well its about the civil war

WalkingHazard: duh I mean what else, right?

WalkingHazard: so how many pages is this book?

MuscleMan1935: NO

RosesAreRed: :) Its well over 1,000 pages WITH pictures and descriptions!!

ShoppaholicGrl: AHHHHHH I'm coming for you right now, Rose

RosesAreRed: say what?!

ShoppaholicGrl: I want that book!

VolvoOwner1901: No, man! Its a trick!

WalkingHazard: Why on earth would you want that civil war book, Bob?

RosesAreRed: and I'm sorry, you can't have it

ShoppaholicGrl: WHY!?

RosesAreRed: Well, of course I was saving it for Jasper...

ShoppaholicGrl: ALRIGHT FINE! I AM JASPER! ARE YOU HAPPY, NOW?!

MuscleMan1935: NO!!

VolvoOwner1901: You damn idiot

WalkingHazard: GASP!!

RosesAreRed: DOUBLE GASP

WalkingHazard: such a shame. Bagging yourself, cutting yourself, lying, hacking into your wifes account!

RosesAreRed: tsk, tsk. Wait till Alice finds out

WalkingHazard: hehe.

SouthConfederate: I think Jazzie and I will be even

VolvoOwner1901: Alice?

MuscleMan1935: LOL

RosesAreRed: since when have you been on?!

SouthConfederate: Well, when I couldn't log on to my account I became suspicious

ShoppaholicGrl: how did you get on my account?!

SouthConfederate: Well your password is freaking obvious

VolvoOwner1901: What? Is it Emo?

ShoppaholicGrl: ...

MuscleMan1935: It is, isn't it?! hahahahaa

ShoppaholicGrl: NO!

WalkingHazard: liar

_**DrCarlisleCullen has signed on**_

MuscleMan1935: shit act calm

WalkingHazard: hey, Dad...

VolvoOwner1901: Hey Dad

SouthConfederate: HEY DADDYKINS :) -devillish smile-

ShoppaholicGrl: ALICE!

RosesAreRed: whats up, Carlisle?

MuscleMan1935: YOU'LL NEVER GUESS, DADDY

DrCarlisleCullen: Hello, children. What, Emmett?

MuscleMan1935: wait is it possible for a vamp to be gay?

RosesAreRed: oh God. Emmett please don't be gay! Our sex was fantastic, remember? God don't leave me!

MuscleMan1935: I'm insulted, Rosie!! I was talkin' about JASPER!

VolvoOwner1901: lmao

RosesAreRed: oh okay :) proceed.

SouthConfederate: hey Jazz is not gay!

WalkingHazard: he's not gay. He's just a little emo

DrCarlisleCullen: What's emo?

VolvoOwner1901: a type of person.

DrCarlisleCullen: ah.

MuscleMan1935: shoobydoobop!

RosesAreRed: oh yeah that's not gay, Emmett

WalkingHazard: naw, its not gay it's crunk.

ShoppaholicGrl: Crunk?

WalkingHazard: sure, crunk.

RosesAreRed: ah, I getcha sister.

ShoppaholicGrl: what is it?

MuscleMan1935: crunk isn't even possible for a vampire homie such as myself!

VolvoOwner1901: Yes but we havv vwaaayyzz.

ShoppaholicGrl: WHAT IS CRUNK, DAMN IT?!

WalkingHazard: D: sheesh you could have asked nicer.

ShoppaholicGrl: I did but you all just ignored me!

DrCarlisleCullen: I'm curious as well. What is crunk?

MuscleMan1935: CRAZY DRUNK YOU MORON

MuscleMan1935: oh woops, not you Daddio

VolvoOwner1901: lol

ShoppaholicGrl: crazy drunk? how do you get crunk out of that?

RosesAreRed: idiot...

DrCarlisleCullen: Interesting.

VolvoOwner1901: Imunna leave because this conversation is boring...

WalkingHazard: awwshiiyaat! don't leave meh!

VolvoOwner1901: Never.

SouthConfederate: Howvvv ssveeet :)

RosesAreRed: what is that? Transylvanian for "how sweet"?

SouthConfederate: wellduh

WalkingHazard: Well, you ARE vampires...

ShoppaholicGrl: I prefer not to use labels.

MuscleMan1935: Says the emo boy.

ShoppaholicGrl: I'M NOT EMO, DAMMIT

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_

SouthConfederate: Yes! I can have my account back

_**SouthConfederate has signed out**_

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed in**_

ShoppaholicGrl: I'm baaaack!

WalkingHazard: Welcome back.

VolvoOwner1901: Let's go, Bella.

MuscleMan1935: NO!! DON'T LEAVE US, EDDIE

WalkingHazard: He has dedication issues...

VolvoOwner1901: -.-

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

WalkingHazard: Damn him!

ShoppaholicGrl: DAMN HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL

DrCarlisleCullen: Is that really necessary, children?

MuscleMan1935: FREE SPEECH, BITCH!!

DrCarlisleCullen: Excuse me?

WalkingHazard: you're excused, homie.

DrCarlisleCullen: Sigh. I'll be at the hospital.

_**DrCarlisleCullen has signed out**_

MuscleMan1935: Well we see where Eddie gets his dedication issues from

RosesAreRed: Well he is Carlisle's first son. Don't you think we should cut him some slack?

WalkingHazard: Holy Mother of Emmett.

ShoppaholicGrl: Did...she just say...?

MuscleMan1935: GASP, GASP, GASP CHOKE GASP, GASP, GASP

RosesAreRed: What?

ShoppaholicGrl: You stuck up for EDWARD of all people?!

WalkingHazard: HURRY! HOLD THIS OVER HER!

ShoppaholicGrl: hahaha! Rosalie stuck of for Edward -points finger and laughs at Rose-

MuscleMan1935: AHAHAH!! FUNNY SHIT

RosesAreRed: You guys are such babies.

_**RosesAreRed has signed out**_

MuscleMan1935: was it something we typed? -guilty face-

ShoppaholicGrl: Now what?

WalkingHazard: what to do, what to do...

MuscleMan1935: I should probably go apologize to Rosie.

ShoppaholicGrl: I should probably go apologize to Jazz

WalkingHazard: I should probably go make out with Edward.

MuscleMan1935: ...?

ShoppaholicGrl: ...?

WalkingHazard: What!? I have nothing to apologize for. I'm perfect. -angelic smile-

MuscleMan1935: ha...okay if you say so... -caugh-not-caugh-

ShoppaholicGrl: No comment, girlfreeen

MuscleMan1935: IM OUT

ShoppaholicGrl: See ya.

MuscleMan1935: Late.

_**MuscleMan1935 has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: we can go shopping tomorrow, Bella.

WalkingHazard: NO!!

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_

WalkingHazard: Dammitt...

_**WalkingHazard has signed out**_


	4. Loco Spanish Burns and Daddy Edward

Note: Hi, all! :) Okay, so I was listening to the radio when I wrote this just incase you were wondering about all the song quotes...haha... Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: Alas, no, I do not own them. I also don't own London Bridge by Fergie, 1985 by Bowling for Soup, Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha Bettingfield, or When I Grow Up by the Pussy Cat Dolls. **

By Holly Jane

* * *

WalkingHazard: How come every time we go around like London-London Bridge wanna go down like Londi-Londi-Londoop we goin down like

VolvoOwner1901: What?

WalkingHazard: What, what?

VolvoOwner1901: You know what, I don't really care.

WalkingHazard: You don't care about me?!

VolvoOwner1901: That's not what I meant!

WalkingHazard: Oh sure thats what you want me to think -cries-

MuscleMan1935: I'll kill you, Edward

VolvoOwner1901: EMMETT GO TO HELL

RosesAreRed: ooOOoohh Eddie has a big mouth.

MuscleMan1935: You think that makes you a man?!

VolvoOwner1901: NO!

RosesAreRed: I can't believe you, Edward

VolvoOwner1901: What did I do?!

MuscleMan1935: You. Were. Born.

VolvoOwner1901: That was my mom's fault

WalkingHazard: Where do babies come from?

MuscleMan1935: well they come from the sky, of course.

VolvoOwner1901: And did you land on your head when you came from the sky, Emmett?

RosesAreRed: ooOOh SPANISH BURN

WalkingHazard: what? That wasn't Spanish

RosesAreBurn: it has to be Spanish?

WalkingHazard: uhh...kinda.

MuscleMan1935: Well the dude did have the Spanish flu once

RosesAreRed: Yeah that has to count for something!!

VolvoOwner1901: o.O

WalkingHazard: Be respectful, guys.

RosesAreRed: ...

MuscleMan1935: seriously?

WalkingHazard: naw

MuscleMan1935: 1985!! WOO-HOO-HOO!

VolvoOwner1901: How is that essential to the conversation?

MuscleMan1935: It's not

WalkingHazard: So...why'd you write it?

MuscleMan1935: cause I felt like it.

WalkingHazard: ah, okay.

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed on**_

VolvoOwner1901: Hey, Alice

WalkingHazard: wuzzaap?

RosesAreRed: hey

MuscleMan1935: -creepy voice- Hello, earthling.

ShoppaholicGrl: I come in peace.

VolvoOwner1901: ...

WalkingHazard: It's best we not know, Edward

VolvoOwner1901: you're probably right.

WalkingHazard: duh I always am

RosesAreRed: ha you wish.

WalkingHazard: hey at least I didn't say that you were dead and cause my brother to go try and commit suicide!!

VolvoOwner1901: good times.

MuscleMan1935: yeah...

ShoppaholicGrl: so what are we talking about?

MuscleMan1935: You mean before you so rudely inturrupted?

ShoppaholicGrl: sure

MuscleMan1935: nuthhinn

VolvoOwner1901: No, actually I believe we were discussing...spanish burns?

ShoppaholicGrl: okay

RosesAreRed: AHA! okay now I have a REAL spanish burn.

WalkingHazard: okay

ShoppaholicGrl: spill it

VolvoOwner1901: ...?

MuscleMan1935: you gonna tell us...?

RosesAreRed: right!

WalkingHazard: THATS STILL NOT SPANISH

RosesAreRed: thats not my burn!

MuscleMan1935: That's a lame burn

RosesAreRed: GOSH SHUTT UP JUST SHUT UP

VolvoOwner1901: I can see how that would be a nice burn, but still it isn't Spanish.

RosesAreRed: urghh I hate you all

MuscleMan1935: Even me, Rosie? -puppy dog pout-

RosesAreRed: yes.

MuscleMan1935: Well!

ShoppaholicGrl: -yawn- this is lame.

RosesAreRed: tu mama

VolvoOwner1901: oh now she speaks Spanish!

RosesAreRed: for pete's freakin' sake!

RosesAreRed: that's my burn!

WalkingHazard: what does it mean?

RosesAreRed: your mom.

WalkingHazard: that's nice, but what does it mean?

RosesAreRed: your mom!

WalkingHazard: okay seriously that isn't funny, what does it mean?

RosesAreRed: IT MEANS YOUR MOM IN SPANISH

WalkingHazard: oh.

VolvoOwner1901: thats a lame burn.

RosesAreRed: sigh.

_**RosesAreRed has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: OH.EM.GEEEEEEEE

MuscleMan1935: what?

ShoppaholicGrl: loco...means crazy!

WalkingHazard: does it?

ShoppaholicGrl: I think so

VolvoOwner1901: that's nice.

WalkingHazard: Don't down our vibes, Edward

VolvoOwner1901: what?

MuscleMan1935: I got a pocket, got a pocket full a sunshine

ShoppaholicGrl: that's nice, Emmett.

WalkingHazard: take me away! to secret place! a sweet escape! take me away!

VolvoOwner1901: I have to pee.

ShoppaholicGrl: thanks for sharing.

WalkingHazard: vampires can't pee!

MuscleMan1935: says who? How do you know that we don't pee on a regular basis?

VolvoOwner1901: yeah!!

WalkingHazard: do you pee blood??

ShoppaholicGrl: maybe. I don't see how that's any of your bizz!

WalkingHazard: I pee, too!

VolvoOwner1901: I wish that I could pee!

MuscleMan1935: be careful whatcha wish for cuz you just might geetit! you just might geetit! you just might geetit!

ShoppaholicGrl: I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies

WalkingHazard: I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies

MuscleMan1935: boobies?!

VolvoOwner1901: Those are mine. Back off.

WalkingHazard: -giggle-

MuscleMan1935: Fine. I'll just go find ROSIE POSIE.

ShoppaholicGrl: you do that.

_**MuscleMan1935 has signed out**_

VolvoOwner1901: Bella, you should probably get to bed.

WalkingHazard: what are you my father?

ShoppaholicGrl: ahahahaha!!

VolvoOwner1901: -.- Don't call me that.

WalkingHazard: why, daddy?

VolvoOwner1901: dammit Bella

WalkingHazard: Daddy, I'm sorry! (feel free to spank me...)

VolvoOwner1901: o.O

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: ahahaha!! Edward doesn't like that so much, does he?

WalkingHazard: yeah...I don't get why. He's only 107 years old..I mean...

ShoppaholicGrl: and you're how old?

WalkingHazard: Eighteen...

ShoppaholicGrl: yeah that doesn't sound pedophilish.

WalkingHazard: -.-

ShoppaholicGrl: You know you love me :)

WalkingHazard: humph.

ShoppaholicGrl: I better go...Jazzie needs me at the moment...

WalkingHazard: I'm going to pretend like I don't know what you mean.

WalkingHazard: and no I will not go shopping with you.

_**WalkingHazard has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: damn. You'd think I'd see that coming.

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_


	5. Therapy, Blasphemy, and Bimbo Flirts

**Bimbo Flirt**

By Holly Jane

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, just the screen names. **

* * *

SuperMom: Darling, I'm concerned for Jasper.

DrCarlisleCullen: What is it, darling?

SuperMom: He's been acting out so carelessly lately.

DrCarlisleCullen: Really? Like what?

SuperMom: Alice came home crying because he cheated on her.

DrCarlisleCullen: That's terrible! How come I didn't know about this?

SuperMom: Because you're at the hospital 27/4 flirting with bimbo nurses.

DrCarlisleCullen: Sorry.

SuperMom: I think we should do something about Jasper. Have you seen how he's dressing lately, too?

DrCarlisleCullen: No, how?

SuperMom: Emmett repeatedly calls him 'bisexual emo', whatever that means.

DrCarlisleCullen: Bisexual?! Emmett is being absurd. Of course Jasper is straight.

SuperMom: I don't know but maybe he's calling our for help.

DrCarlisleCullen: Have you been reading those parenting books again?

SuperMom: Shut up, Carlisle. This isn't about me this is about Jasper. And so what if I am?

DrCarlisleCullen: All I'm saying is you don't need to read them. You're an amazing mother.

SuperMom: I don't need your shit right now, Carlisle. Let's focus on Jasper.

DrCarlsileCullen: Alright. What should we do?

SuperMom: Oh! I know! Let's send him to an animal ranch! Like that cute little do-little girl that talks to animals, you know?

DrCarlisleCullen: Esme. Have you lost it? Jasper would slaughter them. He's got quite the temper.

SuperMom: That's Edward, honey.

DrCarlisleCullen: Oh right. I get them mixed up. There are so many of them.

SuperMom: So what do you suggest we do Mister Bimbo Flirt?

DrCarlisleCullen: Hmm… I like that nick name. Save it for the bedroom.

SuperMom: Not in this lifetime.

DrCarlisleCullen: -sigh- Maybe he should see a therapist.

SuperMom: My baby doesn't need a therapist! How dare you!

DrCarlisleCullen: Just a suggestion. You know. He could get out those feelings he's been bottling up.

SuperMom: -sigh- That's Edward, again, honey.

DrCarlisleCullen: Oh right. Well, anyways. What do you think?

SuperMom: I think it's blasphemy.

DrCarlisleCullen: Well? What else can we do? He can wallow in his misery or see a therapist. I'd rather see him wallow in misery than see a shrink!

SuperMom: You just don't wanna pay for it. Cheapskate.

DrCarlisleCullen: Well if you worked as hard as I do you would want to spend your money wisely, too!

SuperMom: Don't you start with me on the whole 'I pay the bills' shit! I've had enough of your crap and the next time you bring it up it's divorce. You hear me?

DrCarlisleCullen: Whatever, Esme. I'll be at the hospital.

SuperMom: FLIRTING WITH BIMBOS!

_**DrCarlisleCullen has signed out**_

SuperMom: mutha trucka.

_**SuperMom has signed out**_

**I do realize this one is very short, and I haven't updated this in awhile, but the reason for that is like...the humorous part of my brain just shut off for awhile. But I'm back, and funnier than ever! At least, I hope. Enjoy and review! :)**


	6. Confederate Emo Vampire

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. **

**Confederate Emo Vampire**

By Holly Jane

SouthConfederate: …Hello?

XxEmoLUVxX: hi.

HawthorneHEIGHTS45: what's up.

DarkNsensitive6: what's up with his screen name?

FanpireFangs19: confederates can burn in hell.

SouthConfederate: oh. no. you. did. not.

FanpireFangs19: the hell I did. I bet you, like, aren't even emo.

DarkNsensitive6: I strongly oppose labels!!

HawthorneHEIGHTS45: then get the hell out. Because if you're emo, you just don't give a shit.

XxEmoLUVxX: not true. I'm strongly opinionated and yet still emotional. I care about things, just not myself.

SouthConfederate: finally! People that understand me.

XxEmoLUVxX: I don't like you.

FanpireFangs19: judgy, are we?

DarkNSensitive6: oooh. Coming from the "opinionated" one? That may make him cry…heavy sarcasm

FanpireFangs19: I don't like you, either.

DarkNsensitive6: I'm getting the feeling you don't like anyone.

FanpireFangs19: who's the judgy one now?

DarkNsensitive6: just a feeling. You know, emo, feelings, they mix, beeotch.

HawthorneHEIGHTS45: got a point.

SouthConfederate: OMG

FanpireFangs19: a bit dramatic there, confederate.

DarkNsensitive6: drama is shit. It's all lies and bitches mixed. It's funny to watch

SouthConfederate: I looked up hawthorne heights, and it's a band. And their music is AWESOME

XxEmoLUVxX: gasp.

DarkNsensitive6: please tell me you're kidding.

HawthorneHEIGHTS45: ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. You didn't know about them? Seriously, like, the best band…ever. In history of time.

FanpireFangs19: not true. there are so many other bands out there, hawthorne heights is just more popular. That particularly doesn't make them the "best".

DarkNsensitive6: no one cares about your damn opinions anymore!!

FanpireFangs19: bitch, please.

SouthConfederate: chris crocker? Watched him too.

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed on**_

VolvoOwner1901: What the hell….jasper, why are you in HERE?

FanpireFangs19: who's the stud?

VolvoOwner1901: how do you know anything about me?

HawthorneHEIGHTS45: profiles come in handy, smart one.

SouthConfederate: Edward! Why are you here? Go away. Me and my emo friends are bonding.

DarkNsensitive6: um…we know nothing about you…

FanpireFangs19: uh, except that he likes confederates. I mean, what the hell?

VolvoOwner1901: so you FINALLY admit you're emo? Ha, wait till Emmett finds out.

SouthConfederate: LEAVE ME ALONE!

_**SouthConfederate has signed out**_

VolvoOwner1901: Sorry, to, um, waste your time, ladies.

XxEmoLUVxX: call me.

VolvoOwner1901: I'm, um, married. Bye.

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

FanpireFangs1901: I liked him. His manners and his attitude. Too bad he's married. You shouldn't have freaking scared him off, emoluv! Damn you.

DarkNsensitive6: nobody effing cares about your opinions.

FanpireFangs19: screw you. I'll go somewhere where people APPRECIATE my opinions.

DarkNsensitive6: HA! Good luck with that, beeotch. :)


	7. Rainbows and Lemontastic Condoms

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters. **

Slightly OoC in some cases, but other than that, enjoy.

* * *

WalkingHazard: -sings randomly- Bitches and hoes, bitches and hoes!

MuscleMan1935: Mothers and fuckers, mothers and fuckers!

WalkingHazard: Oooh! –wiggles eyebrows- touché, bitch. Touché.

MuscleMan1935: No way, no way! Iz George LOPEZ!

WalkingHazard: I don't get it.

MuscleMan1935: Neither do I…

_**ShopppaholicGrl has signed on**_

ShoppaholicGrl: hey, hey, hey!

MuscleMan1935: What's up?

ShoppaholicGrl: the rainbow.

WalkingHazard: OH? is there a rainbow!?

MuscleMan1935: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby…Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far, behind me. Where troubles smell like lemon drops, a way above the chimney tops…

WalkingHazard: What the hell?

ShoppaholicGrl: I betcha his little problem smells like lemon drops thanks to Wal-Mart's condom section.

WalkingHazard: Lol!

MuscleMan1935: --ANGRY FACE!--

ShoppaholicGrl: --I don't care face--

WalkingHazard: do they seriously make lemon-drop flavored condoms?

MuscleMan1935: Like I would know.

ShoppaholicGrl: I don't think so, but they make lemontastic ones XD

WalkingHazard: you know this because…?

ShoppaholicGrl: No reason. :)

MuscleMan1935: ewy!

WalkingHazard: vampires use condoms?

MuscleMan1935: Normal vampires don't, Bella. Only freaks like Alice and emo boy do weird crap like that.

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed on**_

ShoppaholicGrl: WE ARE NOT FREAKS

VolvoOwner1901: Hello.

WalkingHazard: It's Edward!

ShoppaholicGrl: Emmett?

MuscleMan1935: Allow me.

ShoppaholicGrl: has signed on

MuscleMan1935: OMG! It's Alice, my virginal hundred year old vampire girlfriend!

VolvoOwner1901: -.-

WalkingHazard: -blushes-

VolvoOwner1901: To think I'm missing out on the likes of that :(

MuscleMan1935: Omg! –swoons-

ShoppaholicGrl: -blushes while batting eyelashes and hides behind Emmett, my virginal boyfriend-

WalkingHazard: Shut up.

ShoppaholicGrl: You know you love us likewise.

WalkingHazard: Humph!

VolvoOwner1901: So…what were you guys talking about earlier?

WalkingHazard: Rainbows.

MuscleMan1935: If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbows…why, oh why, can't I?

VolvoOwner1901: Because you're fat, Emmett. That's why.

ShoppaholicGrl: It's true.

MuscleMan1935: WHY I OUGHTA KICK YOUR LITTE –censored— SO FAR INTO CHINA THAT YOU'LL –explicit language, censored for younger viewers—

VolvoOwner1901: …

WalkingHazard: ?

ShoppaholicGrl: How nice.

VolvoOwner1901: So why were you guys talking about rainbows?

MuscleMan1935: Well, you see, at first we were talking about how there was a rainbow outside.

ShoppaholicGrl: Yeah and then we started randomly talking about condoms.

MuscleMan1935: -nods head-

VolvoOwner1901: Sounds fun.

WalkingHazard: Not really

VolvoOwner1901: Oh.

WalkingHazard: Yep.

ShoppaholicGrl: …

MuscleMan1935: So tell us about your sex life.

WalkingHazard: ?

VolvoOwner1901: -punches Emmett in the gut-

MuscleMan1935: hehe, no harm done bro.

ShoppaholicGrl: Mom signs on in approximately 34 seconds, act casual.

_**SuperMom has signed on**_

WalkingHazard: SO, I was walking down the street right?

VolvoOwner1901: Uhuh, yeah?

ShoppaholicGrl: Yep, totally

MuscleMan1935: OMG NO WAY NO WAY

WalkingHazard: Like, freaking yes way! And then, all of the sudden, I TRIPPED and FELL. Flat on my you know what.

ShoppaholicGrl: Aw, my poor baby –pouts-

VolvoOwner1901: :( I'm sorry

MuscleMan1935: I bet Edward wants to kiss it and make it better

SuperMom: You call this a conversation? Ugh, where's Carlisle?

_**SuperMom has signed out**_

ShoppaholicGrl: Huh, that was weird

VolvoOwner1901: Emmett!

MuscleMan1935: What? Don't deny it you horny bastard, you.

WalkingHazard: -blushes- …

ShoppaholicGrl: Awkward…

VolvoOwner1901: --

MuscleMan1935: Eddie-poo has the h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h_awts_ for Bellie-poo!

WalkingHazard: Um, I gotta, uh, be anywhere but here bye!

_**WalkingHazard has signed out**_

VolvoOwner1901: Bella, wait! It isn't like that!

_**VolvoOwner1901 has signed out**_

MuscleMan1935: They were so acting. I betcha they're going to get it on right now. I just know it.

ShoppaholicGrl: Actually, you don't know it. Not every male is a rabbit like you.

_**ShoppaholicGrl has signed out**_

MuscleMan1935: Was that supposed to be an insult?

_**MuscleMan1935 has signed out**_

* * *

**Sorry for the shortness, I've been busy lately and trying to do a comedy while you're pissed at your parents isn't the easiest thing to do, lol. Hope you enjoyed it and message me if it isn't funny. I'll think of something :( -Holly**


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